Here it is, the Spiffitarian platform. If this doesn't piss you off, I'll be pretty surprised. If you agree with more than half of these, I'll help you find a good head shrinker.

These are my opinions and are subject to change. The Spiffitarian Party is made up of liars, hypocrites and goons. But we're honest liars, hypocrites and goons.

Please do not seek to engage me in political discussion or try to change my mind. This will only cause me to send goons after you. Honest goons, yes, but goons nonetheless. And if that doesn't work, I'll just get mad and make you mad in return.

(Note on the Republican and Democratic positions: These are stolen whole cloth from the King County Republican Party. The "Republican" column has opinions held by the King County Republicans. The "Democrat" column has opinions held by the King County Republicans regarding opinions held by the King County Democrats. The last column is all me. And my goons. That is all.)

Issue	Republicans	Democrats	Spiff
Taxes	Oppose a state income tax and support elimination of the B&O tax and the state estate tax.	Support a state income tax, a state estate tax, a state sales tax, a state B&O tax and newhigher gas taxes.	Federal government funded by import tarriffs -- repudiate WTO. Replace sales tax with graduated income tax on all persons, natural and corporate. Retain estate taxes. Institute a wealth tax on estates over $50,000,000. Corporations may not own corporations.
National Defense	Support the war on terror and our brave troops across the world.	War on Terror not mentioned. Support elimination of terrorism through the United Nations. Support the United States ratifying the United Nations International Criminal Court and the Kyoto Accords.	Terrorism is a law enforcement, not military, matter. Foreign violence can be contained by the military using blockades, no-fly zones, etc. Aggression not to be tolerated. The United States is the world's largest rogue state and needs to learn to play well with others.
Healthcare	Support individual choice of providers, policies and coverage. Support protection of innocent human life, pre-born or born, through all stages of life, sickness and disability.	Support national single-payer universal health care plan. Support the right to abortion regardless of age or ability to pay. Support assisted suicide.	Government exists to provide the services that every citizen needs. All citizens should either get the same healthcare plan that members of Congress get or none at all (again, including members of Congress). Insurance companies cause inflation in healthcare prices. Abortion is a moral choice. Against it? Don't have one.
Crime	Support enforcement of current laws and stiffer sentences for sex offenders, murderers and other violent offenders. Oppose legalization of street drugs.	Oppose the death penalty and jail time for thosewho use or sell drugs. Support elimination of mandatory sentencing and weakening of "Three Strikes" law.	Enforce current laws against harming persons and property. Increase size of overstressed police forces. Keep the death penalty as the ultimate sanction, repeal sentencing guidelines. Drug possession is not a crime. Help the disadvantaged find economic security and place in society to reduce crime rate.
Marriage	Support defining marriage as between a man and a woman.	Support same-sex marriage.	Marriage is a moral issue, not the province of the state. Repeal all marriage and community property laws. The state may record domestic partnerships for legal purposes without regard to sex or number of participants. Children to be considered partners, under guardianship, for legal and tax purposes.
Election Reform	Support comprehensive election reforms and voting rights. Support making the county auditor an elected position. Support requiring identification to vote.	Support voting rights for felons who have not paid their fines. Support public financing of political campaigns. Support replacing Electoral College with nationwide majority system.	Franchise limited to citizens honorably completing two years of federal service. Expand nonmilitary service opportunities -- any citizen should have access to serve regardless of belief or disability. Repeal the Electoral College, institute instant-runoff voting.
Private Property	Support repeal of the Growth Management Act; preservation of property rights and historic water rights.	Private property is not mentioned!	Individuals hold private property in trust for future generations and to help ensure privacy of their persons, papers and effects. Development, even of private property, affects the society around you and should be subject to citizen review.
Israel	Support Israel in the war against terror in their homeland.	Support forcing Israel to negotiate with Palestinian terrorists.	Israel can either fight it out or learn to get along. If the former, they can expect to be blockaded from the rest of the world while the violence continues.
Immigration Reform	Support comprehensive immigration reform to gain control of our borders and enforce our immigration laws.	Immigration Reform is not mentioned.	Repudiate WTO and other "free trade" agreements and learn to make things in this country again. Prosecute employers of unlawful immigrants. Institute "fair trade" pacts with other countries to engourage economic prosperity.

Welcome to the Spiffitarian Party

2008 Platform